unheralded anniversaries

Ha ha - now that's a fantasy picture....

So this blog turned a year many days ago and I didn't even notice. Which is a good thing.

When I started it I needed a way to show friends pictures of this unbelievably beautiful place I was in and it seemed effective. I was taking a break after many years of working and a period of difficulty and I also needed something to do which was meditative, somewhat creative but totally purposeless. Totally purposeless in my case presents a huge problem, since I have purposeful personality disorder.

I am the sort who loves to make To Do lists and go tick tick tick. I go through phases of extreme backlog and burn out when I can' t do much which stresses me, depresses me and instantly makes me imagine myself old, unemployed and wearing a smelly nightie.

For a person who has despaired of changing this part of herself - workaholic, unable to say no, working hard and fast, manically interested in many different things at the same time (and wanting many different shots to be taken simultaneously I can hear the saala camera friends muttering) and always producing something - this must be one of those baby steps for mankind things. For a year I've managed to make this blog totally meandering, rather unkempt, of no particular interest to anyone but my friends and even that only occasionally. It really has been/is a scrapbook I come to from time to time, for fun only, the way scrapbooks were in childhood. On occasion I've had to stop myself from writing about work things but on the whole, I've never felt inclined to be focused in anyway here. The free and easy ones might roll their eyes, but for the tortured diligents, this is how life is bhai.

I try to slow myself down when I write - there is no choice actually but to slow down and absorb oneself in the other world one writes of - but not being able to produce 5000 words a day (which moreover should not need rewriting) regularly casts me into despair and sense of failure. So, yes, whatever, get a grip girl, I agree.

Well I'm trying, but I am realistic.

In the rest of my life I will of course always strive to be on top of the To Do list (at least I have modest ambitions), so unhealthily long that I can only lose to it. But happy anniversary to my redeeming feature and my circumscribed spot of guilty leisure then. Late, but that's the point.